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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Who Shall I Be?

Fourteen years ago today I married a man I was sure I would grow old with. Seven months ago that dream of a starry eyed girl came to a crashing halt. If you've been following my blog, you already know my story. You know that as a result of where I've been I am now on a journey to find me.

Most people don't like change. Change scares the daylights out of them. I'm not most people. I enjoy change. I thrive on it, yearn for it, relish in it every moment of the adventure. We are ever changing, growing creatures, we were designed that way, we should celebrate it, not fear it.

I would be lying if I said I didn't care what anyone else thinks about me, my journey, how I have and am changing. I am human. There is a part of me that will always long for acceptance and pride. I want to make my grandparents proud. I want my parents to speak of me with a gleam in their eye. I want to make those I love most in my life proud of me, I do, it's a part of me I struggle with daily.

Struggle? Yes, struggle. Here's what point am I living for them instead of for God and for me? Where is the meaning in their pride if I am not being true to myself? I can't be anyone but me, right? So how can I live my life with no regrets if I am living it for other people? Simple: I can't. At the end of the day, I need to be able to face myself in the mirror and my Maker on my knees. Plain and simple. No one else's opinion matters. What's best for them isn't what's best for me in so many cases.

I have to be comfortable in my own skin. I need to have confidence in my choices, each and every moment I am breathing. If I'm not being true to myself than I'm not giving anyone anything to be truly proud of because anything other than the real me is just a facade. It's a mirage and everyone around me thinks they're drinking water when it's actually sand, grainy and unsubstantial.

More importantly, the only way I can teach my children that it is best to be themselves, even if they're different, is by living the example they should follow. Showing them that it's not only okay to be themselves, that it's something they should take pride in, no matter who they are. Society is so obsessed with fitting in, I want my kids to know it's OK to dare to be different!! If people don't understand you, don't accept you, that is their loss, not yours. If I can't instill that lesson in my own kids because of my own insecurities or misguided efforts to be what other people think I should be than that is the greatest injustice of all.

Be yourself. Be true, be real, be honest and kinder than necessary. But don't be a doormat. Live in love, that includes love for yourself.


  1. I love reading your posts. Thank You Girl
    Judy Tanner-Hildebrant

  2. Stay strong, and stay true to yourself, Nikki!

  3. Thank you both so very much for taking the time to stop and leave your thoughts! I appreciate you very much! God bless!!