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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Honesty Hour...Human or Hypocrite?

Oftentimes I get friends, family, even strangers coming to me for inspiration. Often I hear that my faith inspires them; my strength in the Lord inspires them; my words inspire them. I am humbled, honored and so grateful for those moments, for the people, for those interactions. That God would choose a broken, battered, imperfect vessel like me to share a small glimpse of His love is the kind of legacy I hope to leave behind.

But…

On days like today…no…on weeks like the past one, I feel unworthy. I feel like a hypocrite. How can I tell of His love, advise to be patient on His timing, praise His name one moment and then a few more moments later I end up telling a friend that I’m not on speaking terms with the Man upstairs?  I sound like a phony, right? Here’s why I think I’m not, maybe why I had to fall into that pit of despair…maybe part of my purpose is to write. Maybe that is how I am supposed to shine God’s love.

Huh?

I have a friend who lovingly jokes with me, we both are convinced that God needs to frequently pull out a 2x4 to whack us on the head before we receive His message. Guess what’s been pulling gently at me for a while? Writing. Guess what’s been really tugging hard at the hem of my garment for the past few days? Writing. You don’t even need a guess as to what I knew I couldn’t go another night without after the day I had today…you’re reading the true-to-Niki style chaos of the results.

Have you ever been in this predicament (as either party): person A asks person B to help out with something but person B says, “Yea, but first…” Person A comes back after a while, person B again, “Oh yea, I will, I will, but first…” and on and on until person A is all, “HELLO???” (The 2x4 to the head, right?)

I have heard from multiple sources the concept that you should be careful what you pray for. A “please teach me patience” prayer can turn into raising a toddler & a tween at the same moment In time. A prayer asking for wisdom and peace to learn to hear His still, small voice can turn into coming to the point where you text your friend, “Well, I would pray for you but I don’t know how much merit it would hold today because He and I are no longer on speaking terms,” and it turns into an hour long conversation, by the end of which I am writing this blog.

I have the privilege of worshiping at an amazing church with a very wise, very humble, very down-to-earth priest. He spoke to us a little while back about the myth behind being “called” to do God’s work/will/etc. I won’t go into it all (partly because this is already half-novel-length but mostly because I wouldn’t do it justice) but it shocked me a little when I first digested it. But the more I played it over in my head, the more sense it made…

God doesn’t need me. If I don’t write, someone else will. If I am not a reflection of His light in the world today, others will be. Does that mean I shouldn’t write? Nope. Should I allow His light to be covered instead of shine through me? Of course not! What it means to me is that while I may not be ‘called’ to write this blog or my devotionals, or anything for that matter, I am called, as His child, to share His love with the world. 

There are many ways to do this, it’s not going to look the same for each of His children, it won’t even look the same to each Christian who writes about Him…but when we share His love unconditionally, when we share His love without judgment, or strings attached, then we are fulfilling His calling, His purpose for our lives. We can do that in a blog, or by paying for a strangers meal; we can do that by volunteering our time or by donating goods; if we do it in love it will ultimately point to Him.

Yea. I am human. I am broken, battered, bruised. Earlier today I was not on speaking terms with God. I felt like He had failed me. I felt like He had broken His promise from Matthew, chapter 28 when He said He is with us always even to the end of ages. I was wrong. Of course I was wrong! I read something last week, scrolling through Facebook, it said something about having to hit rock bottom to learn that He is our Rock.

I hope that sharing my flaws, sharing my struggles and tantrums (because clearly I was having one today if I tried giving God the silent treatment, am I right???) can somehow help. If even one person can find their light renewed, their spirit refreshed from something I rambled out here than I have shared His light tonight. I pray none of you ever has to feel as helpless and hopeless as I did however I equally hope that if you ever do than God will send you an olive branch the way He did for me tonight.

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