This page began as an informal blog by Niki (author of the Niki's Thoughts devotions) for talking about whatever. Going forward, it will be a mix of blogging and devotions. My inspiration comes from my relationship and faith with Jesus. Drop me a line and let me know if there's anything you'd like to hear me weigh in on...
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Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Honesty Hour...Human or Hypocrite?
Oftentimes I get friends, family, even strangers coming to
me for inspiration. Often I hear that my faith inspires them; my strength in
the Lord inspires them; my words inspire them. I am humbled, honored and so
grateful for those moments, for the people, for those interactions. That God
would choose a broken, battered, imperfect vessel like me to share a small
glimpse of His love is the kind of legacy I hope to leave behind.
On days like today…no…on weeks like the past one, I feel
unworthy. I feel like a hypocrite. How can I tell of His love, advise to be
patient on His timing, praise His name one moment and then a few more moments
later I end up telling a friend that I’m not on speaking terms with the Man upstairs?
I sound like a phony, right? Here’s why
I think I’m not, maybe why I had to fall into that pit of despair…maybe part of
my purpose is to write. Maybe that is how I am supposed to shine God’s love.
I have a friend who lovingly jokes with me, we both are
convinced that God needs to frequently pull out a 2x4 to whack us on the head
before we receive His message. Guess what’s been pulling gently at me for a
while? Writing. Guess what’s been really tugging hard at the hem of my garment
for the past few days? Writing. You don’t even need a guess as to what I knew I
couldn’t go another night without after the day I had today…you’re reading the
true-to-Niki style chaos of the results.
Have you ever been in this predicament (as either party):
person A asks person B to help out with something but person B says, “Yea, but
first…” Person A comes back after a while, person B again, “Oh yea, I will, I
will, but first…” and on and on until person A is all, “HELLO???” (The 2x4 to
the head, right?)
I have heard from multiple sources the concept that you
should be careful what you pray for. A “please teach me patience” prayer can turn
into raising a toddler & a tween at the same moment In time. A prayer
asking for wisdom and peace to learn to hear His still, small voice can turn
into coming to the point where you text your friend, “Well, I would pray for
you but I don’t know how much merit it would hold today because He and I are no
longer on speaking terms,” and it turns into an hour long conversation, by the
end of which I am writing this blog.
I have the privilege of worshiping at an amazing church
with a very wise, very humble, very down-to-earth priest. He spoke to us a
little while back about the myth behind being “called” to do God’s
work/will/etc. I won’t go into it all (partly because this is already
half-novel-length but mostly because I wouldn’t do it justice) but it shocked
me a little when I first digested it. But the more I played it over in my head,
the more sense it made…
God doesn’t need me. If I don’t write, someone else will. If
I am not a reflection of His light in the world today, others will be. Does
that mean I shouldn’t write? Nope. Should I allow His light to be covered
instead of shine through me? Of course not! What it means to me is that while I
may not be ‘called’ to write this blog or my devotionals, or anything for that
matter, I am called, as His child, to share His love with the world.
many ways to do this, it’s not going to look the same for each of His children,
it won’t even look the same to each Christian who writes about Him…but when we
share His love unconditionally, when we share His love without judgment, or
strings attached, then we are fulfilling His calling, His purpose for our
lives. We can do that in a blog, or by paying for a strangers meal; we can do
that by volunteering our time or by donating goods; if we do it in love it will
ultimately point to Him.
Yea. I am human. I am broken, battered, bruised. Earlier
today I was not on speaking terms with God. I felt like He had failed me. I
felt like He had broken His promise from Matthew, chapter 28 when He said He is
with us always even to the end of ages. I was wrong. Of course I was wrong! I
read something last week, scrolling through Facebook, it said something about
having to hit rock bottom to learn that He is our Rock.
I hope that sharing
my flaws, sharing my struggles and tantrums (because clearly I was having one
today if I tried giving God the silent treatment, am I right???) can somehow
help. If even one person can find their light renewed, their spirit refreshed
from something I rambled out here than I have shared His light tonight. I pray
none of you ever has to feel as helpless and hopeless as I did however I
equally hope that if you ever do than God will send you an olive branch the way
He did for me tonight.