"When you're down to nothing, God is up to something." I've always liked that quote. I'm not sure who said it, and yea I could Google it but frankly I don't feel like it. Today hasn't been the best of days but it hasn't been the worst. I've had good moments and I am clinging to those but most importantly I am clinging to God. I'm sure there's a lesson in all this. My heart and my head may not be in full agreement however I'm not about to let negativity rule my little corner of the world...if you've been reading me for any length of time I'm sure you've picked up on that. I've struggled with it the past few weeks but how's that Mandisa song go...? "I'm an overcomer!"
I write. There's a line in a song that goes something like, "people got their ways of coping and I got mine..." my way of coping is this. I write. I could write in a journal but have y'all noticed my inconsistency here? Yea, a journal is not my thing. Am I causing drama by sharing my turbulent life publicly? Maybe. Am I helping others who have, are or will go through the same or similar experiences? Judging from the comments, private messages, phone calls and emails I have received I would go out on a limb and say yes. And for that reason alone, if nothing else, I keep going. I write.
How does writing help? Well, I guess it's my outlet. Some people are athletes, some are musicians, some drink, some smoke, some party, some pray...everyone has an outlet (at least I hope & pray they do!), a place where they can escape their stress, their reality, their life...for better or for worse: I write. When I don't write I can tell that it's all bottled up inside and I end up losing a piece of myself and come off a few more shades of crazy than I normally am.
"The good Lord gives and He takes away..."
I suppose the argument could be made that talents fall into the category of what God can give and take. I pray He never takes away my talent for writing because I can't imagine a life without written words. However, I know that if I find myself "down to nothing," even find I can no longer right, I will still have multitudes of thanks to be given.
At the end of the day, today for example, I may have unanswered questions, I may have doubts and fears (yea, I'm still working on those!) but I have blessings in abundance. I have a Heavenly Father who has already saved me, I have two of the most amazing kids I've ever met (not just my opinion, others have told me as much), I have family that is loving and supportive, I have friends who have become family in every way that matters, I have a man who has opened my mind and my heart to possibilities that I thought I would never look forward to again after shutting the door on a fourteen year marriage that ended in total heartbreak...I am blessed beyond my deserving and no material thing on this earth could ever compare.
Are you feeling like you are down to nothing? Believe me, my friend, you simply need to take a breath and say thanks for the air that fills your lungs. Then, find a slightly bigger blessing, and so on and so on...I bet you loose track of time by the time you count your blessings! (By the way, if you're reading this, than you are one of MY blessings, and I thank you!)
Friday, August 23, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
What Are You Afraid Of?
Fear. It can influence us without knowing. It can infiltrate its way into the nooks and crannies of our lives, our decision making, our relationships, our faith. Sometimes fear isn't vague, sometimes we know we're avoiding things on purpose because of our fear. Why? Why do we allow this irrational emotion rule any part of our existence.The Bible tells us, "God has not given you a spirit of fear..." (II Timothy 1:7) so one could make the argument that fear is a byproduct of sin...but we have been saved from our sins...
So I ask again, why? Why do we not stand up to our fears? I would venture to guess the answer to this is quite different for each of us. It's hard work to stand up to your fears. It can be draining. It can feel impossible or unrealistic. Sometimes the hardest work is recognizing that fear has control of us and we have to dig deep with a lot of "why" questions to ourselves in order to pinpoint the origin of that fear so we can begin to move past it.
I have been working on this one. I'm a work in progress, I know, and I usually take a few steps forward then a few steps back and so on but I want to share what I think I've learned. I always am hopeful that in doing so it will assist someone, somewhere. Even if only one person is touched or helped than it makes sharing my life and the chaos in my head worth every moment spent typing my thoughts and emotions.
I think my biggest fear (besides my motherly fears of not being able to provide, causing my kids to need therapy later in life, etc, etc) is acceptance. Or rather, not being accepted. I'm a people pleaser, I try to make everyone happy. I know it's an impossible task. Sometimes it causes a bigger mess than it should. I have been working on it though and while I see some regressions at times I am overall seeing an improvement. It took a lot for me to get to the root of that. To admit it to myself. Then to start working on overcoming it. Pray helps. A LOT!
I mention prayer because it is a big part of my life. I don't always think of it as prayer though, I have a conversation with God and since I know He's always with me it's kinda a constant, never-ending one.
I have come to realize that His opinion is the only one that matters. His acceptance is the only one I need. And I already have it, He accepted me, a sinner, and loved me so much His Son paid for my transgressions on a cross a long, long time ago. This of course does not mean I just live my life without considering my choices and their implications. It means that I get myself, my choices, right with God and let the rest of the world worry about themselves.
I have also come to realize that my true friends accept me for who I am and will always support my decisions. Those who love me unconditionally will be happy for me and with me if I am happy. I am blessed to have these people in my life. I am ashamed I have not given them more credit. And by that I mean, I should trust them to have my back no matter what anyone else says or does to react to what is going on in my life.
As people learned of my separation and impending divorce from my husband the support that flowed out was overwhelming. The understanding, the love...I had feared the worst and never saw it. So I'm putting it to the test. I'm kicking fear in the teeth tonight. I have been letting the fear of, "what will people think?" and "what will people say?" keep me from talking openly about something positive in my life...
I have met someone. An amazing man that I can only describe as being a blessing sent from God. He is a kind, thoughtful, gentle, caring, generous and God-fearing man who has lit up my world. I could go on and on but I think what my friends would say is important is that I am happy. To say I am being treated well would be an understatement, he makes me feel like a princess. For the first time in my adult life, I feel cherished. It's an odd and wonderful feeling. I, in turn, am cherishing this feeling and this man. One day at a time. God is great. Life is good. People will call me crazy. I like crazy, it's a good place to reside.
So I ask again, why? Why do we not stand up to our fears? I would venture to guess the answer to this is quite different for each of us. It's hard work to stand up to your fears. It can be draining. It can feel impossible or unrealistic. Sometimes the hardest work is recognizing that fear has control of us and we have to dig deep with a lot of "why" questions to ourselves in order to pinpoint the origin of that fear so we can begin to move past it.
I have been working on this one. I'm a work in progress, I know, and I usually take a few steps forward then a few steps back and so on but I want to share what I think I've learned. I always am hopeful that in doing so it will assist someone, somewhere. Even if only one person is touched or helped than it makes sharing my life and the chaos in my head worth every moment spent typing my thoughts and emotions.
I think my biggest fear (besides my motherly fears of not being able to provide, causing my kids to need therapy later in life, etc, etc) is acceptance. Or rather, not being accepted. I'm a people pleaser, I try to make everyone happy. I know it's an impossible task. Sometimes it causes a bigger mess than it should. I have been working on it though and while I see some regressions at times I am overall seeing an improvement. It took a lot for me to get to the root of that. To admit it to myself. Then to start working on overcoming it. Pray helps. A LOT!
I mention prayer because it is a big part of my life. I don't always think of it as prayer though, I have a conversation with God and since I know He's always with me it's kinda a constant, never-ending one.
I have come to realize that His opinion is the only one that matters. His acceptance is the only one I need. And I already have it, He accepted me, a sinner, and loved me so much His Son paid for my transgressions on a cross a long, long time ago. This of course does not mean I just live my life without considering my choices and their implications. It means that I get myself, my choices, right with God and let the rest of the world worry about themselves.
I have also come to realize that my true friends accept me for who I am and will always support my decisions. Those who love me unconditionally will be happy for me and with me if I am happy. I am blessed to have these people in my life. I am ashamed I have not given them more credit. And by that I mean, I should trust them to have my back no matter what anyone else says or does to react to what is going on in my life.
As people learned of my separation and impending divorce from my husband the support that flowed out was overwhelming. The understanding, the love...I had feared the worst and never saw it. So I'm putting it to the test. I'm kicking fear in the teeth tonight. I have been letting the fear of, "what will people think?" and "what will people say?" keep me from talking openly about something positive in my life...
I have met someone. An amazing man that I can only describe as being a blessing sent from God. He is a kind, thoughtful, gentle, caring, generous and God-fearing man who has lit up my world. I could go on and on but I think what my friends would say is important is that I am happy. To say I am being treated well would be an understatement, he makes me feel like a princess. For the first time in my adult life, I feel cherished. It's an odd and wonderful feeling. I, in turn, am cherishing this feeling and this man. One day at a time. God is great. Life is good. People will call me crazy. I like crazy, it's a good place to reside.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Honesty Hour...Human or Hypocrite?
Oftentimes I get friends, family, even strangers coming to me for inspiration. Often I hear that my faith inspires them; my strength in the Lord inspires them; my words inspire them. I am humbled, honored and so grateful for those moments, for the people, for those interactions. That God would choose a broken, battered, imperfect vessel like me to share a small glimpse of His love is the kind of legacy I hope to leave behind.
But…
On days like today…no…on weeks like the past one, I feel unworthy. I feel like a hypocrite. How can I tell of His love, advise to be patient on His timing, praise His name one moment and then a few more moments later I end up telling a friend that I’m not on speaking terms with the Man upstairs? I sound like a phony, right? Here’s why I think I’m not, maybe why I had to fall into that pit of despair…maybe part of my purpose is to write. Maybe that is how I am supposed to shine God’s love.
Huh?
I have a friend who lovingly jokes with me, we both are convinced that God needs to frequently pull out a 2x4 to whack us on the head before we receive His message. Guess what’s been pulling gently at me for a while? Writing. Guess what’s been really tugging hard at the hem of my garment for the past few days? Writing. You don’t even need a guess as to what I knew I couldn’t go another night without after the day I had today…you’re reading the true-to-Niki style chaos of the results.
Have you ever been in this predicament (as either party): person A asks person B to help out with something but person B says, “Yea, but first…” Person A comes back after a while, person B again, “Oh yea, I will, I will, but first…” and on and on until person A is all, “HELLO???” (The 2x4 to the head, right?)
I have heard from multiple sources the concept that you should be careful what you pray for. A “please teach me patience” prayer can turn into raising a toddler & a tween at the same moment In time. A prayer asking for wisdom and peace to learn to hear His still, small voice can turn into coming to the point where you text your friend, “Well, I would pray for you but I don’t know how much merit it would hold today because He and I are no longer on speaking terms,” and it turns into an hour long conversation, by the end of which I am writing this blog.
I have the privilege of worshiping at an amazing church with a very wise, very humble, very down-to-earth priest. He spoke to us a little while back about the myth behind being “called” to do God’s work/will/etc. I won’t go into it all (partly because this is already half-novel-length but mostly because I wouldn’t do it justice) but it shocked me a little when I first digested it. But the more I played it over in my head, the more sense it made…
God doesn’t need me. If I don’t write, someone else will. If I am not a reflection of His light in the world today, others will be. Does that mean I shouldn’t write? Nope. Should I allow His light to be covered instead of shine through me? Of course not! What it means to me is that while I may not be ‘called’ to write this blog or my devotionals, or anything for that matter, I am called, as His child, to share His love with the world.
There are many ways to do this, it’s not going to look the same for each of His children, it won’t even look the same to each Christian who writes about Him…but when we share His love unconditionally, when we share His love without judgment, or strings attached, then we are fulfilling His calling, His purpose for our lives. We can do that in a blog, or by paying for a strangers meal; we can do that by volunteering our time or by donating goods; if we do it in love it will ultimately point to Him.
Yea. I am human. I am broken, battered, bruised. Earlier today I was not on speaking terms with God. I felt like He had failed me. I felt like He had broken His promise from Matthew, chapter 28 when He said He is with us always even to the end of ages. I was wrong. Of course I was wrong! I read something last week, scrolling through Facebook, it said something about having to hit rock bottom to learn that He is our Rock.
I hope that sharing my flaws, sharing my struggles and tantrums (because clearly I was having one today if I tried giving God the silent treatment, am I right???) can somehow help. If even one person can find their light renewed, their spirit refreshed from something I rambled out here than I have shared His light tonight. I pray none of you ever has to feel as helpless and hopeless as I did however I equally hope that if you ever do than God will send you an olive branch the way He did for me tonight.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Sometimes Silver Linings Look Grey
Six weeks.
I will have six weeks to fill with non-momma time. That's a LONG time to go without hugs, kisses, laughs and all the joy, laughter and love that fills my days now. Okay, if I'm brutally honest the reality is that my days are also filled with frustration, headaches and patience killing moments. But those happy moments make every challenge worth it and are the reason I smile when I think about my children.
My kids know that I won't put up with negative thinking or overloads of complaints. We look for the positive spin in everything, it's not a rugged obstacle it's an adventure. Sure we have moments when we do have to vent to each other but then we help each other find the silver lining. Right now, the silver lining of their impending visit to another state some 800+ miles away, without me, is looking more grey than shiny and sparkly.
So my challenge the next 8 days is to reinforce what they already have come to expect from me, I have to help them see the positive! They are going on vacation, to a state that they have spent little time in so there is much to be explored! They are going to get to spend time with family they have rarely seen over the past nine years, my son will meet aunts, uncles and cousins he has never laid eyes on! God has His hands on them and He will make sure they are cared for and blessed! I have to focus on that and most importantly: I have to show that side of this trip to them...I need to help them get excited about it.
I haven't done a great job of that over the past five days and shame on me for that! My kids need the momma they have come to count on for finding the positive when no one else can; the momma who makes anything, even chores, fun; they need their momma to be their ray of sunshine in their uncertainty over the upcoming journey they are about to embark upon.
I can do this - I have found the positive in being unemployed, in a house foreclosure, I can certainly tackle this with sunshine, rainbows and butterflies! However, I can only do this because God is my strength. I know He is here with all three of us and even while we'll be half a country away from each other He will keep us in each others' hearts, thoughts and prayers.
Prayers...please keep my kids in yours. Pray with me that they will have so much fun and such an adventure this summer that they won't miss me even for a minute. Pray for their safety and comfort. But most of all, pray they will begin to rebuild the broken relationships in their lives so they can face the future with all their loved ones securely in their corner.
I will have six weeks to fill with non-momma time. That's a LONG time to go without hugs, kisses, laughs and all the joy, laughter and love that fills my days now. Okay, if I'm brutally honest the reality is that my days are also filled with frustration, headaches and patience killing moments. But those happy moments make every challenge worth it and are the reason I smile when I think about my children.
My kids know that I won't put up with negative thinking or overloads of complaints. We look for the positive spin in everything, it's not a rugged obstacle it's an adventure. Sure we have moments when we do have to vent to each other but then we help each other find the silver lining. Right now, the silver lining of their impending visit to another state some 800+ miles away, without me, is looking more grey than shiny and sparkly.
So my challenge the next 8 days is to reinforce what they already have come to expect from me, I have to help them see the positive! They are going on vacation, to a state that they have spent little time in so there is much to be explored! They are going to get to spend time with family they have rarely seen over the past nine years, my son will meet aunts, uncles and cousins he has never laid eyes on! God has His hands on them and He will make sure they are cared for and blessed! I have to focus on that and most importantly: I have to show that side of this trip to them...I need to help them get excited about it.
I haven't done a great job of that over the past five days and shame on me for that! My kids need the momma they have come to count on for finding the positive when no one else can; the momma who makes anything, even chores, fun; they need their momma to be their ray of sunshine in their uncertainty over the upcoming journey they are about to embark upon.
I can do this - I have found the positive in being unemployed, in a house foreclosure, I can certainly tackle this with sunshine, rainbows and butterflies! However, I can only do this because God is my strength. I know He is here with all three of us and even while we'll be half a country away from each other He will keep us in each others' hearts, thoughts and prayers.
Prayers...please keep my kids in yours. Pray with me that they will have so much fun and such an adventure this summer that they won't miss me even for a minute. Pray for their safety and comfort. But most of all, pray they will begin to rebuild the broken relationships in their lives so they can face the future with all their loved ones securely in their corner.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Addictions We Can't Escape
I was reading through some tweets during the NASCAR Truck race tonight and thinking to myself how much I agreed. There were several people stating they were tired of seeing a particular Cup racer compete and dominate so many Truck and NNS events. I feel like I can see multiple sides to it...
There are the people who say they're going to stop watching NASCAR all together, or certain series within it because they are fed up with the same old boring winner week in and week out. I've been there, I said I was done watching Cup myself if Jimmie didn't stop winning Championships! (Thank you Stewart & Kesolowski and sorry Laura!) The more drivers who are competitive, the more unpredictable each race is...the more unpredictable each race is the more people want to watch to see what's going to happen, right?
A handful of people just complain. They don't offer a solution, they don't say they're going to change their actions...they just moan and whine and see who else will join in. I'm not a fan of this. If you don't like something it is up to you to help find a solution or to walk away - don't just sit and sulk. Life is way too short to spend valuable moments doing something or watching something you don't love. Period.
I understand the logistics that tell me that those Cup drivers, while annoying as all get out when they win week in and week out in the Truck (and NNS) series, are bringing in sponsors, fans and advertisers. I get it. In the spirit of not being the person who complains without offering solutions I am going to hop up on my soapbox and use my blog for what it's meant: a place for me to share MY opinions...if you're easily offended you should probably proceed with caution because I honestly have no idea how abrasive this is going to get.
Shame on the fans. Shame on those who won't go see a Truck race because they have no idea who any of the drivers are. Shame on those who won't go see a Truck race unless there's a big name driver like Kyle Busch or Kevin Harvick or Brad Kesolowski wheeling around the track. Where do you think these drivers made a name for themselves? There would be no Cup level talent without the skill building series like Trucks, and while we're at it, K&N, ARCA, NNS, Whelen and so on down the line. Wouldn't it be amazing to watch a driver work his way up the ranks and be able to say you cheered for him/her before he/she made it to the big time?
Shame on the tracks. You want to really pack the seats for your lower series events? Lower your ticket rates! Ignore what the mainstream, ignorant media are saying about the recession being over or getting better! There are still thousands of people (like me!) losing their houses, struggling to find work that will provide for their families, pinching pennies just to feed their families that simply cannot afford to attend as many races as they want to. Try it for a season or two and if it doesn't increase attendance then you go back to the drawing board. But, don't just drop prices a few dollars, slash them! A family of four cannot afford $35 a ticket when they are barely making ends meet. Can you imagine a Truck race having more fans in the stands than a Cup event? With the right marketing program and slashed prices it could and would happen!
Shame on NASCAR. You have created a developmental series that could bring in amazing talent that one day will have sponsors drooling over the possibility of special paint schemes and incredible ad campaigns but you fail to highlight and advertise these young drivers and their talent to the full potential that you could. You are a very influential organization that has the power to promote the Truck (and other lower) series in a way that would get more fans excited to watch... Instead, because it's easy and it's "working" you allow Cup drivers to dominate races that are supposed to be set aside for drivers who are learning and growing and trying like hell to make a name for themselves. Guess what...it's not really working...fans are disgusted, attendance sucks and the people who want to cheer for up and coming drivers like Kyle Larson and Bubba Wallace are turning off their TVs and heading to local tracks for non-NASCAR events.
Shame on sponsors for having no vision. Imagine finding the next Jimmie Johnson or Kyle Busch (with less attitude maybe?) and getting in with them before they became so popular that everyone wants a piece of them? Imagine being the one company that took a chance and propelled a superstar to multiple championships? Wouldn't that be a branding and legacy phenomenon that not only gains long term ROI but creates a reputation for excellence? Why aren't more of you jumping at the chance to tap into a sport that has more fans than any other?
If I haven't lost you yet then let me challenge you this: if you don't already have a favorite driver in the Truck series, go get one! Read up on who's out there, pick a favorite or two and then for the rest of 2013 cheer for no one else! If you're a Kyle Busch fan and he runs a truck too bad, stick to your guns! Love Brad Kesolowski? Better save it for Sunday because on Truck day you are hereby DARED...no double...wait, TRIPLE DOG DARED to ONLY cheer for a NCWTS Driver. What are you waiting for? Get to it!
*Hops off soapbox* For now...
There are the people who say they're going to stop watching NASCAR all together, or certain series within it because they are fed up with the same old boring winner week in and week out. I've been there, I said I was done watching Cup myself if Jimmie didn't stop winning Championships! (Thank you Stewart & Kesolowski and sorry Laura!) The more drivers who are competitive, the more unpredictable each race is...the more unpredictable each race is the more people want to watch to see what's going to happen, right?
A handful of people just complain. They don't offer a solution, they don't say they're going to change their actions...they just moan and whine and see who else will join in. I'm not a fan of this. If you don't like something it is up to you to help find a solution or to walk away - don't just sit and sulk. Life is way too short to spend valuable moments doing something or watching something you don't love. Period.
I understand the logistics that tell me that those Cup drivers, while annoying as all get out when they win week in and week out in the Truck (and NNS) series, are bringing in sponsors, fans and advertisers. I get it. In the spirit of not being the person who complains without offering solutions I am going to hop up on my soapbox and use my blog for what it's meant: a place for me to share MY opinions...if you're easily offended you should probably proceed with caution because I honestly have no idea how abrasive this is going to get.
Shame on the fans. Shame on those who won't go see a Truck race because they have no idea who any of the drivers are. Shame on those who won't go see a Truck race unless there's a big name driver like Kyle Busch or Kevin Harvick or Brad Kesolowski wheeling around the track. Where do you think these drivers made a name for themselves? There would be no Cup level talent without the skill building series like Trucks, and while we're at it, K&N, ARCA, NNS, Whelen and so on down the line. Wouldn't it be amazing to watch a driver work his way up the ranks and be able to say you cheered for him/her before he/she made it to the big time?
Shame on the tracks. You want to really pack the seats for your lower series events? Lower your ticket rates! Ignore what the mainstream, ignorant media are saying about the recession being over or getting better! There are still thousands of people (like me!) losing their houses, struggling to find work that will provide for their families, pinching pennies just to feed their families that simply cannot afford to attend as many races as they want to. Try it for a season or two and if it doesn't increase attendance then you go back to the drawing board. But, don't just drop prices a few dollars, slash them! A family of four cannot afford $35 a ticket when they are barely making ends meet. Can you imagine a Truck race having more fans in the stands than a Cup event? With the right marketing program and slashed prices it could and would happen!
Shame on NASCAR. You have created a developmental series that could bring in amazing talent that one day will have sponsors drooling over the possibility of special paint schemes and incredible ad campaigns but you fail to highlight and advertise these young drivers and their talent to the full potential that you could. You are a very influential organization that has the power to promote the Truck (and other lower) series in a way that would get more fans excited to watch... Instead, because it's easy and it's "working" you allow Cup drivers to dominate races that are supposed to be set aside for drivers who are learning and growing and trying like hell to make a name for themselves. Guess what...it's not really working...fans are disgusted, attendance sucks and the people who want to cheer for up and coming drivers like Kyle Larson and Bubba Wallace are turning off their TVs and heading to local tracks for non-NASCAR events.
Shame on sponsors for having no vision. Imagine finding the next Jimmie Johnson or Kyle Busch (with less attitude maybe?) and getting in with them before they became so popular that everyone wants a piece of them? Imagine being the one company that took a chance and propelled a superstar to multiple championships? Wouldn't that be a branding and legacy phenomenon that not only gains long term ROI but creates a reputation for excellence? Why aren't more of you jumping at the chance to tap into a sport that has more fans than any other?
If I haven't lost you yet then let me challenge you this: if you don't already have a favorite driver in the Truck series, go get one! Read up on who's out there, pick a favorite or two and then for the rest of 2013 cheer for no one else! If you're a Kyle Busch fan and he runs a truck too bad, stick to your guns! Love Brad Kesolowski? Better save it for Sunday because on Truck day you are hereby DARED...no double...wait, TRIPLE DOG DARED to ONLY cheer for a NCWTS Driver. What are you waiting for? Get to it!
*Hops off soapbox* For now...
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
A Time To Mourn
It's crunch time. I have no business 'wasting' time on the computer and yet when the inspiration to writes hits me I will lose it if I don't run with it. I've tried notebooks, there has been a time or two that I have been able to salvage a thought from scribbles jotted down but usually my luck is that I get hit with an idea while I am driving and there is no where to pull over. So today...I write.
In three weeks' time I am simultaneously losing my house to auction (unless they accept this short sale by some miracle!). Before you ask, I am still looking for a job, applying new places daily and no, I have no idea where the kids and I will be living. I am clinging to God's promises that He will provide all our needs. Oh, so if that's not enough, the same day they auction the house I have to sit across from my estranged husband for the first time since he left back in the middle of December.
My ex. That is how I refer to him because there is no more us. The only thing standing between that being a legal term and the awkward place we are now is a law in the great state of North Carolina that requires we wait. A year. One year. I was packing up some trinkets in my dining room today, Precious Moments to be exact, and came across a figurine that my ex gave me on our first anniversary. The first thought I had was sell it on eBay, make some money. Too much hassle with the busy few weeks I have ahead of me. Maybe I could dump it on Listia, gain some credits towards that video camera I want. Again, I don't really have time to auction anything at the moment.
I thought back to a conversation I had with a very wise man who told me that I had to remember to give myself time to mourn my marriage. The same you do when you lose a person who is close to you because in essence my marriage is dead. I have struggled with this, on several levels. Here's the biggest one: I have been extremely blessed so far in my life, I have never mourned anyone that I was so close to that I needed the true grieving process. So I don't know how to grieve. I don't know how to let things go to the point that I can look back and smile about the good times without being sad that they are over.
So as I stood in my dining room, alone in the house because my youngest is playing out back with our furbaby, tempted to smash it into a million pieces, I stopped to remember the road of grief. I thought to myself that if this had been a gift from a loved one who had died would I really throw it away? No. I would save it to remember the happy times we had. I am moving forward, one step, one breath at a time by saving this...right? Time will tell, but I think the momentos, the pictures, the trinkets; they are all linked to happier times and someday I will look back on them and smile at the journey that made me who I am today. A stronger, smarter woman.
So I will find my way, my way to mourn what I have lost and I will learn to let go, truly and completely. I owe that to myself. I owe that to my kids, to be able to show them that is it alright to be sad for a moment...but then show them that we pick up the pieces and move forward. We cherish the happy memories and we let go of the rest. We will survive together and we will ultimately have a kinder, gentler understanding of those around us going through hard times because we have walked through our own fire and came out heads held high, smiles on our faces and tears erased from our eyes.
In three weeks' time I am simultaneously losing my house to auction (unless they accept this short sale by some miracle!). Before you ask, I am still looking for a job, applying new places daily and no, I have no idea where the kids and I will be living. I am clinging to God's promises that He will provide all our needs. Oh, so if that's not enough, the same day they auction the house I have to sit across from my estranged husband for the first time since he left back in the middle of December.
My ex. That is how I refer to him because there is no more us. The only thing standing between that being a legal term and the awkward place we are now is a law in the great state of North Carolina that requires we wait. A year. One year. I was packing up some trinkets in my dining room today, Precious Moments to be exact, and came across a figurine that my ex gave me on our first anniversary. The first thought I had was sell it on eBay, make some money. Too much hassle with the busy few weeks I have ahead of me. Maybe I could dump it on Listia, gain some credits towards that video camera I want. Again, I don't really have time to auction anything at the moment.
I thought back to a conversation I had with a very wise man who told me that I had to remember to give myself time to mourn my marriage. The same you do when you lose a person who is close to you because in essence my marriage is dead. I have struggled with this, on several levels. Here's the biggest one: I have been extremely blessed so far in my life, I have never mourned anyone that I was so close to that I needed the true grieving process. So I don't know how to grieve. I don't know how to let things go to the point that I can look back and smile about the good times without being sad that they are over.
So as I stood in my dining room, alone in the house because my youngest is playing out back with our furbaby, tempted to smash it into a million pieces, I stopped to remember the road of grief. I thought to myself that if this had been a gift from a loved one who had died would I really throw it away? No. I would save it to remember the happy times we had. I am moving forward, one step, one breath at a time by saving this...right? Time will tell, but I think the momentos, the pictures, the trinkets; they are all linked to happier times and someday I will look back on them and smile at the journey that made me who I am today. A stronger, smarter woman.
So I will find my way, my way to mourn what I have lost and I will learn to let go, truly and completely. I owe that to myself. I owe that to my kids, to be able to show them that is it alright to be sad for a moment...but then show them that we pick up the pieces and move forward. We cherish the happy memories and we let go of the rest. We will survive together and we will ultimately have a kinder, gentler understanding of those around us going through hard times because we have walked through our own fire and came out heads held high, smiles on our faces and tears erased from our eyes.
Friday, April 26, 2013
It's NOT A Diet (And YES You Can Too)
I never thought of myself as a runner. I never understood why people would say they actually enjoyed it! Some of you reading this are nodding your heads and thinking, "She's right, they're crazy!" Call me crazy because I am loving the amazing 'high' I get from, yes, running. It's more than that though, it is almost like a badge, to be able to call myself a runner. A badge along my journey...
Some of you reading this know that I have been on a journey for a little over a year. Not a weight loss journey, although I have gone from a size 18/20 to a 7/8 (believe it or not I still have thirty pounds to go!), but I have called it my Healthier Me Journey. I have had people ask me what diet I used to lose weight. None. I don't do diets, and you shouldn't either. Diets are fads, they don't last. We often talk about wanting to lose weight (I just said 30 lbs to go!) however what we really need to focus on is our health.
I'm no doctor, nutritionist or fitness expert, I'm not going to lecture on what you should or shouldn't do. If you have questions about the specific changes I have made in my life please let me know, but today I want to talk about challenges and successes. The challenge we all face when wanting to make a change is habit. We have to break our habit and keep consistency and momentum built long enough to create new habits. I've heard conflicting talk about how long that is exactly however I would say a month is a good benchmark.
Everyone reading this has different challenges, I will tell you about a few of mine...
At 26 years old, eight years ago, I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my thoracic spine, in laymen's terms I guess you could say the center of my spine is deteriorating. There are days (fewer now that I have stayed active and yes, lost weight) when I cannot move because the pain consumes my back and any movement of any part of my body. I spend those days lying flat, with a heating pad and plenty of ibuprofen. If I can alleviate the pain enough to move than I push myself to do so, carefully. This can cause a huge break in momentum however I know the healthier I can get my body, the longer I will go between episodes, at least in the near future.
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with asthma. It's quite difficult to run when you can't get oxygen into your lungs! I have trouble breathing in temperatures below forty degrees in general, if it's below fifty I can't get in a run outdoors. Last year I was training for a 5K run that I completed in the beginning of December, this air temperature challenge was frustrating but I ran up and down my hallway and in circles around my room a few times, simply to help build my lung capacity. Yes, I have heard of a treadmill, no I do not have access to one. Shocking, I know.
One of my biggest challenges wasn't health related at all, and truth be told, I still struggle with this one: I have a massive love affair with...junk food. I have learned that it doesn't impede my progress too much if I remember that when I indulge I have to keep it in moderation. I also need to remove the word "can't" from my vocabulary. If I tell myself I can't have something it is only going to make me want it more. Yes I know that's a teenagers mentality but it still works on most adults, tell us we can't and we shall show you that we can.
So yes, running is a badge, it's my personal trophy that reminds me how far I have come. I haven't just lost forty-five pounds and a bunch of inches, I've gotten in better physical shape...I've become a healthier me. I'm still a work in progress though! Now, I'm not saying I want to be a size 0, or that anyone should strive for that. I am not saying that anyone can become a runner, there are some challenges that need a work around and others that need a different healthy plan. What I am trying to say is that with determination and perseverance, anyone can create new habits.
This can be applied to things other than a healthier you! I'm talking about all changes in general here. Yet, you have to want the changes. Not because someone else thinks you need them. Not because you want to impress this or that person. Not even because you think it's the right thing to do. It has to be a want, a passion, a deep down desire for change that makes you fight for the chance to break the chains of being set in your ways. I didn't go on a diet, I changed my life...and yes...you can change yours too!
Some of you reading this know that I have been on a journey for a little over a year. Not a weight loss journey, although I have gone from a size 18/20 to a 7/8 (believe it or not I still have thirty pounds to go!), but I have called it my Healthier Me Journey. I have had people ask me what diet I used to lose weight. None. I don't do diets, and you shouldn't either. Diets are fads, they don't last. We often talk about wanting to lose weight (I just said 30 lbs to go!) however what we really need to focus on is our health.
I'm no doctor, nutritionist or fitness expert, I'm not going to lecture on what you should or shouldn't do. If you have questions about the specific changes I have made in my life please let me know, but today I want to talk about challenges and successes. The challenge we all face when wanting to make a change is habit. We have to break our habit and keep consistency and momentum built long enough to create new habits. I've heard conflicting talk about how long that is exactly however I would say a month is a good benchmark.
Everyone reading this has different challenges, I will tell you about a few of mine...
At 26 years old, eight years ago, I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my thoracic spine, in laymen's terms I guess you could say the center of my spine is deteriorating. There are days (fewer now that I have stayed active and yes, lost weight) when I cannot move because the pain consumes my back and any movement of any part of my body. I spend those days lying flat, with a heating pad and plenty of ibuprofen. If I can alleviate the pain enough to move than I push myself to do so, carefully. This can cause a huge break in momentum however I know the healthier I can get my body, the longer I will go between episodes, at least in the near future.
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with asthma. It's quite difficult to run when you can't get oxygen into your lungs! I have trouble breathing in temperatures below forty degrees in general, if it's below fifty I can't get in a run outdoors. Last year I was training for a 5K run that I completed in the beginning of December, this air temperature challenge was frustrating but I ran up and down my hallway and in circles around my room a few times, simply to help build my lung capacity. Yes, I have heard of a treadmill, no I do not have access to one. Shocking, I know.
One of my biggest challenges wasn't health related at all, and truth be told, I still struggle with this one: I have a massive love affair with...junk food. I have learned that it doesn't impede my progress too much if I remember that when I indulge I have to keep it in moderation. I also need to remove the word "can't" from my vocabulary. If I tell myself I can't have something it is only going to make me want it more. Yes I know that's a teenagers mentality but it still works on most adults, tell us we can't and we shall show you that we can.
So yes, running is a badge, it's my personal trophy that reminds me how far I have come. I haven't just lost forty-five pounds and a bunch of inches, I've gotten in better physical shape...I've become a healthier me. I'm still a work in progress though! Now, I'm not saying I want to be a size 0, or that anyone should strive for that. I am not saying that anyone can become a runner, there are some challenges that need a work around and others that need a different healthy plan. What I am trying to say is that with determination and perseverance, anyone can create new habits.
This can be applied to things other than a healthier you! I'm talking about all changes in general here. Yet, you have to want the changes. Not because someone else thinks you need them. Not because you want to impress this or that person. Not even because you think it's the right thing to do. It has to be a want, a passion, a deep down desire for change that makes you fight for the chance to break the chains of being set in your ways. I didn't go on a diet, I changed my life...and yes...you can change yours too!
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